my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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