Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Last time i carry you out of a forest
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
