Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
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