He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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