If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
