how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Randomize
