I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I've blown a few things in my day
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
