By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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