Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
