time to smoke my breakfast
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
How external is "for external use only"?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
