It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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