I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize