dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize