I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
