bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
