why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Why is there bacon in the couch?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
