dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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