So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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