I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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