My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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