My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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