I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
so much tequila, so little girl.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
