I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
