New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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