Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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