adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
