I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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