i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
