I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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