my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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