she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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