When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
