I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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