can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
