Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
