Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Randomize
