you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
