I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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