I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize