I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I'm sobbing to NWA
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
