I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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