I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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