nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I got inside last night via doggy door
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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