She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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