As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
