made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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