i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Ladies don't puke and tell
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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