the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Randomize
