He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
