Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize