If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
