You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
