On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
