Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
sex in a hospital.. check
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
