Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
