spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
