I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
You may now shotgun with the bride
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
