the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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