Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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