Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
