you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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