WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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