All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
