I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
